What is wrong with me????

I have been extremely depressed the last few weeks or so...

Maybe it's the time of year, or the weather or whatever, but I'm seriously thinking about just running away from my life....

I have a husband who puts up with me for whatever reason...although I think now I've just become a part of him and the routine...

I love him and our family, but I don't know I just feel like I'm making the motions, and not really doing...

I still have thoughts that everyone would be able to get along with me, I'm just an uneccessary part of their daily lives.

My sister is a HUGE help, and the boys LOVE spending time with her. It's great cause I'm able to take a mommy time out and get my head put back on the right direction...but lately even my time outs don't seem to do the trick.

Our 10 year wedding anniversary came and went with Michael working all weekend, and my dad and I working at another church with Advent and Christmas items.

Christopher's last soccer game is Saturday, and then we have our tournament and that's it we are done till February...what will I do with myself those 3 extra days a week....

The weather is FINALLY starting to cool down and it is finally starting to feel like fall, and that possibly winter is just around the corner...

Seems odd to me that in the past 2-4 weeks I've been contacted by old high school friends, and even found the call list for our high school reunion, and I often think "WHAT IF"

Now don't get me wrong, I love my boys, all 4 of them...but what would have happened if Michael and I hadn't married??? Would I still have all my boys??

I find myself thinking about another baby...and then quickly thinking I'm nuts. We are almost out of diapers, and our budget is stretched to the limit as it is...

I find myself amazed that after 13 years Michael and I are still together. A big round of applause for my husband. Who would have thought he would have been able to handle me for that long.

I'm tired all the time, and find myself sitting alone in the dark more than I care to admit.

I know in my heart that life is not easy, but way does it always have to be so damn hard? Can't just once someone say I know you are having a rough time now let me do that for you? Instead all we ever seem to get is more work, more problems and more broken issues.

Who would have ever thought that at 34, I'm dealing with kids, obesity, cancer and sleeping issues? Who would have thought that after 10 years of marriage, and 13 years with the same person that I would begin to wonder why he ever married me, and how he would/could do much better without me. Who would have thought that I would stress about every little thing when it comes to my monsters...from failing 1st grade to never learning how to read to the fact that they don't know how to ride without training wheels. Or that my lovely almost 8 year old has to wear glasses. Who would have thought that I would be worried that my kids would inherit type 1 diabetes, and that I am thinking of ways to get them agree to be a part of a study that Michael's doctor suggested???

Who would have thought that my last REAL VACATION was 10 years ago when Michael and I went on our honeymoon, and then next one seems like it is never going to come???

So yes, while this post is a MAJOR downer, and I know that...it's where I am right now in my life. Scared, feeling alone, and just wanting to go find a hole to go crawl in and hide, and if I can't do that, then I just want to run away!! So sad for me that no matter what anyone says or does I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm not needed/wanted and I don't know how to make myself believe any different.